What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 11:31
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ive learnt so much.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
Why do narcissists want to hurt your feelings, even after they discard you?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I don,t even have a pension.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
Im still living with it.
So, i spoilt her more .
She wouldn,t have been !
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was 9 years of age.
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!